The level of anger that I am at right now is very hard to describe. I just received a call that I got very little funding from the school that I was hoping to go to next year. Basically, it looks like at this point that I am not going to college. I can’t physically walk any other campus in the area because of my health and I can’t leave home because I still need my parents to take care of me. I am so upset.
I have been meeting with the head of the English department every Friday to discuss different ideas on how to make me a better writer. This last Friday he told me to enter my work into a literary contest. I have no faith in my writing and don’t even think I can write, but I will trust his opinion.
My body can no longer process grains. This is the final layer of healing my body food wise that I can do. I am just left with fruits and vegetables which is all I need. (Of course this is in mass quantity of juicing them and having 64 oz for every meal). My body is ready to move on but my brain is not. There is so much social stigma about the way we eat our food. A social gathering normally consists of food, dates consist of food, and even religious ceremonies consist of food. I stand in my kitchen some nights opening and closing drawers admiring all of the bread and ice cream that are in my house (my family won’t stop buying some of it, I have tried to tell them not to). My battle at the moment consists of me and my inner voice. I no longer have asthma because of a change in my diet. No more health problems. My eyes are starting to return to a bright blue color instead of staying at a forest green. My nails have gotten longer. My skin is healing. There is no more eczema on my body. Not to mention I have lost 8 pounds of fat in a series of 6 months. Despite all of these facts, my inner voice keeps tempting me to reach for those sugars that I have lived on my whole life. My elementary school self tells me to reach for white bread and butter sandwich. My middle school self tells me to eat my heart out with peanut butter and crackers and my high school self tells me to binge until I don’t feel anything anymore. I have never had a good relationship with food. An average person may look at my diet and think that it is perfect. However, I am not average. I never want to battle an illness again. I never want to go through severe isolation again. I can’t. At the moment, my body has healed itself so that I will get sick if I eat dairy, sugars, meat, and grains. That in itself is impressive I suppose but I want to beat this abusive relationship. When I eat all of these fruits and vegetables I am glowing. When you are at the peak of being in love and your heart begins to glow is what it feels like when the body is healing itself. It is a beautiful feeling and even spiritual in a sense. You keep the plants alive while the plants keep you alive. It is a harmonious relationship just as everything in life should be. Tomorrow I am going to do my best to do a total veggie and fruit day. I want to kick this demon where the sun doesn’t shine.
I am poking holes in one of the homework assignment videos I am suppose to be “learning from”. This guy talking is an idiot. For example, in the video he said that scientists were selecting brains from 20-60 year old people that died a fairly natural death. No death between the ages of 20-60 is “natural”. Secondly, I would imagine that a large sample of their 20-60 year cadavers have ingested some type of prescription over their life time which would give the study an inaccurate conclusion. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iNPsDky1z94
In the next few weeks I will recieve a letter determining what I will be doing next year or the next 4 years.